Loneliness is a b****
Today I really wanted to talk about something that I don’t think people talk about enough when it comes to mental health (or chronic illness): loneliness.
This is a huge symptom of mental health problems, and something that’s really affected me a lot lately. And it’s not just that we don’t always talk about it, but people who haven’t experienced it often don’t understand how truly lonely it can be.
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Loneliness in the mental health community is a big problem.
Let me paint you a picture, a picture of my life:
I live with my boyfriend, who is very lovely and extremely supportive. He’s also a very social person – I can’t blame him for that.
Most days the only people I see are my work colleagues and him. I go to work in the morning, come home, eat and go to bed, because I’m too tired to do anything else. On weekdays I only see him for about an hour and a half or before I need to go to bed. Unless he’s doing sports or something, then it’s much less and I’m in bed before he gets home.
On weekends I’m so exhausted after a week of work that even if I get up and get something done with him (like our weekly shop, or going out for lunch) I’m so tired that I basically sleep all afternoon. If I manage to make it to church on Sunday I then need to sleep the rest of the day. It’s so tiring.
Sometimes whole weeks can go by and I’ve not seen anyone other than him and my work colleagues. Loneliness just creeps it’s way in.
Some of the time it is nice to have time by myself, I’m an introvert and can find big social gatherings very overwhelming. It can be nice to just sit and be alone.
But most of the time it’s awful. I actually find myself watching my boyfriend living his twenties the way you’re supposed to and being overcome with jealousy because I can’t live that way. (It’s not his fault, obviously, and I don’t blame him at all for this). It’s like I can reach out and touch the life I want, but I can’t actually grasp it or have it for myself.
The main problem.
The issue I have is, even if I did have loads of friends to go out with and do things with all the time, I just don’t have the energy to. I have a church group who meet up once a week on Wednesdays and I am barely able to make it to that, let alone anything else.
I have great friends, I really do. They’re kind, caring, and supportive. I count myself very lucky. But I don’t have the social life that I always wanted – the social life I used to have.
Often when I’m alone, I am hurting. I am wondering why I’m always alone, wishing it could be different. I want to just be able to do something, anything, that doesn’t involve sitting on my own, eating and watching TV. I don’t want to spend my life like this.
I know that when I’m old, I’m going to look back on my twenties and regret that I haven’t made the most of being young. I haven’t lived my twenties, I’ve survived them. And in all honesty, it sucks.
I just spend a lot of time crying, beating myself up, before giving up and just going to sleep. Loneliness is a powerful thing.
How to help prevent loneliness.
People sometimes mention the isolation that comes from depression, but they make it sound like we choose to isolate ourselves: this is not by choice. So many of the people I know who are in the same position are just crying out for friendships and closeness, for contact with other people. None of us actually want to be on our own.
But for many reasons we can’t reach out, and we end up alone time and time again. We don’t want to be a burden. We don’t feel like people want to see us, or that they actually like us. We don’t have the confidence to reach out. We find it hard to trust people. Or we are just too tired to do things most people can do.
I know people often say that it’s important to reach out to people who are struggling, and everyone kind of just agrees but doesn’t really do anything about it. But it’s so important.
Don’t just check in and make sure they’re okay. Offer to come over and sit with a cup of tea and watch a film or get a take away or to cook for them or something. If they’re feeling particularly crap they will appreciate not even having to leave their home.
Can you help?
For me personally, it’s nice to meet people for coffee, or to go to their house and just sit (because then I don’t have to clean my own house), but doing low energy things is much better. It doesn’t take much, but it makes all the difference.
Even introverted, exhausted people are still human, and as humans we are all social creatures.
Just seeing one friend for one hour can really have a positive impact.
Please, just look out for your friends. Mental health is no joke, chronic illness is hard, and we all need a bit of help to make it through in this crazy world.
If you need help with loneliness, not only can you always reach out to me, but Mind are also on hand to help. Their information page can be found here.
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Are you up to date with my most recent posts? Read all about my ways to practice self-care even when you’re tired here.
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17 Comments
Johnzelle
Thanks for sharing your post on bloggers tribe. I can definitely relate with the loneliness and isolation of mental illness and I often spend my weekends napping because the week depletes all of my energy. I’d encourage you not to compare your social life to others. “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Also, if you’re not already, seeing a therapist can help immensely. I should know, I’m a therapist that goes to therapy weekly. Take care 🌞
Philippa Claire
That’s very true, comparison is the thief of joy. It’s just hard to get away from I guess!
I have been to therapy many times in the past, I’ve just been discharged from one NHS service, but there aren’t a lot of options where I live unfortunately!
Jennifer
I can relate to being in a relationship with an energetic extrovert, while you stay home and rest. I appreciated learning more about what it’s like living with chronic fatigue. Thanks for sharing your story.
Philippa Claire
You’re very welcome. It can be hard, but it also has its perks!!
Sunkissed Scribbles
This post has really struck a chord with me as this is what I also experience on a daily basis. I’m a carer for both my parents and I feel very isolated and I don’t get to spend time with other people very often. I’m socially very awkward which makes it harder for me. But all I want is to have more friends and social time, and maybe also meet the right person for me. I don’t think people realise that depression can be very lonely. Like you said, it’s not like we choose to live like this and some people just don’t understand the feeling of such loneliness. Thank you for sharing this, it’s made me feel less isolated knowing someone else experiences this too x
Philippa Claire
Depression is so hard to understand when you haven’t experienced it yourself, and it’s hard to explain. But I’m hoping posts like this can help a little bit.
I’m glad it’s helped you feel a little less alone. You’re definitely not alone in this! 🙂
Molly @ Transatlantic Notes
It can be so hard if those around us don’t really realize what can be going on or thinking that isolation can be voluntary rather than (sometimes) a symptom of depression or anxiety, etc.
Really useful post to read — thank you for sharing.
Philippa Claire
That’s part of the reason for sharing posts like this one, in the hope others who haven’t experienced it can understand it a bit more! 🙂
Jasmine
Beautiful written. I often feel alone especially on the journey to finding Self. Sometimes I feel like I am missing out on my twenties but we have to be present in the now! Focus on what you can do because we only have 24 hours in a day! Keep writing!
Philippa Claire
That’s very good advice, and I am trying! 🙂
Sian ryan
Thank you so much for sharing this, you literally just described me! I literally have no energy and work, eat, sleep and struggle to see my boyfriend, friends and family and I end up beating myself up constantly. The one thing I manage a week is going to see my therapist through MIND. It’s really great your raising awareness
Philippa Claire
You’re so welcome Sian. It’s such a difficult position to be in and it can be hard to know what to do about it. But the most important thing is to know it’s okay to feel lonely and that it isn’t your fault – it’s nothing to beat yourself up about.
I really hope your therapist is helpful for you, I’ve never found one through MIND, I may have to try that!
Sending you lots of love xox
Chocoviv
I am an extrovert empathy so I get exhausted too and I hide in my couch with Netflix…
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Rosalee
Hi Philippa, I appreciate this candid and insightful blog on what it is like to live with a chronic illness. It can be difficult to explain to others what it’s like and you have done so very eloquently. As someone who deals with chronic health issues I realize feeling sad or anxious at times is a very natural and expected reaction to living with very difficult circumstances and I try each day to make the best of my situation. Keep up the great writing! All the best to you.
Philippa Claire
I’m glad you have liked reading about it. Although I am very sorry to hear it is something you struggle with also. I hope I’ve helped you feel less alone and I am always here if you need to chat or vent.
Take care!
Jenny Burt
Thank you for this post I have felt this way since the age of 12years old and I still feel alone as nobody understands me.