The week my mum disappeared

My mum likes to run away from her problems. She always has.

Growing up she liked to run away from financial problems, or relationship breakdowns. But she never really did anything extreme because we were kids. Apart from when her marriage to my dad broke down and she took three under 3 year olds from London to Wales.

But when me and my older brother finally flew the nest and went to Uni she upped and moved in with our Grandmother after the break up from her engagement. Or at least that’s my understanding of it.

My younger brother who was 17 at the time was also moved, it disrupted his education and his life, and in all honesty it wasn’t fair to him to be moved away from his life at that age.

I wasn’t told about the move. The only reason I found out was because after a rough start at Uni I just wanted to be at home. That was the weekend she was moving. I wouldn’t have known otherwise.

Luckily, because I decided to come home, I was able to save some of my most sentimental belongings. However everything else me and my brothers owned was sent to the tip (something my older brother was left to organise).

On the Saturday morning my mum took one van of her things to St Albans with her, and left my older brother a letter to give the estate agents advising that she’d moved and wouldn’t be paying any more rent. She also left him the task of bagging up anything left in the house and putting outside for a friend to take to the tip.

She ran away, and left other people to pick up the pieces.

This isn’t the only story like this I have either, but I don’t want to bore you guys with them all right now.

When she went missing

When I heard that she had gone missing it was a Tuesday. Her housemate had got in touch to say she hadn’t heard from her since that Sunday and was getting worried. The first thing I thought was that she probably went to stay with her girlfriend and didn’t tell anyone.

But, the next day it was reported to the police and it became apparent that she wasn’t where I thought she’d be because her relationship had ended.

Following this was some of the worst days of my life. The police were searching places nearby, talking to people she knew, looking at her phone and bank records. I had frequent messages from my Aunty with updates on what was happening, each one adding their own stress. I couldn’t help but imagine the worst.

My mum has always struggled with her mental health, and I know recently she has been going through a rough time. I knew she was signed off work earlier in the year, but when I last spoke to her on 22nd July (her birthday) she seemed to be happy and enjoying working at her new job which was more flexible.

I know as well as anyone that when you are in the midst of a bad depression episode it’s not easy to tell those around you, so I knew that even though she seemed fine the last time we spoke that doesn’t mean she was. And on discovering her rent hadn’t been paid the images just seemed to get worse and worse. I had the picture of a fragile, heartbroken, stressed and sad woman who just couldn’t take anymore from life, and now has been missing for days. I mean where on earth could she be?

It was horrible. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I had to take time off work because every time it entered my head I broke down. I’ve experienced grief before, but this was worse. It was grieving something that may or may not have happened. It was grieving uncertainty. And deep down I knew I was just waiting for the news that her body had been found – it sounds gruesome but that’s the hard truth of it all.

Everything happened quickly though, and before we knew it we’d discovered that the Friday before her disappearance she had booked to stay at a hostel in Brighton. Her booking was from the day of her disappearance, to the Wednesday – the day we reported her missing. And it was confirmed that she did go to the hostel for those dates.

Her plan

It was planned. She planned to run away. She planned to disappear. She may not have 100% known what she was going to put us through, but some part of her must have known the effect this would have on us.

The police stopped their search shortly after as they have to respect her right to be left alone if that’s what she wants. We think they tracked her down and made sure she was safe, but we have no idea where she is. She left the hostel on the 7th August, and that was also when her phone was last used.

As there was no knowing when she was coming back, and her rent was already late, it was down to her family to move her things out of her room. Last weekend my aunt and I took on that task. Luckily it wasn’t too difficult, but the extent of her planning became even more evident when we found out she had cleared out some of her things before she left. Her housemate had been given some of her clothes.

She still left quite a mess though. I won’t go into details.

Now I’m left worried about what’s going to happen if and when she comes back. Where will she live? What will she do for work (she’s never been able to hold down a full time job)? None of us can afford to look after her, or have the space. I’m at a point in my life when I’m saving for a house and trying to make something of myself and I’m left worried about how to best care for a grown woman who I’ve barely seen since I was 18. She even forgot my birthday this year.

I have no problem with her need to get away and clear her head. I completely understand that. I’ve had my own issues with mental illness, and I know so well what it feels like when life seems to be against you and you just don’t want to go on anymore. I’ve felt hopeless, lost, suicidal, like I’ve completely failed, and just completely useless so many time throughout my life. I get it, and I want to be supportive.

My issue is that once again she has run away and left the people who care about her most to pick up the pieces. She could’ve done something with her room herself, and not left it in the state she did. And she could’ve let one of us know that she would be away for a while, so that we didn’t have to go through all that worry and pain. Pain we are all still going through because we have no idea where she is, or how she is living with no job and no finances.

What now?

I’ve previously tried not to write posts about my mum because I don’t want her to see them and feel bad. I know it was hard for her when we were growing up, and even though we didn’t have the best childhood she did always try her best. But I have no idea if she’ll ever look at my blog again, so that’s no longer a concern.

The last time I visited her, I travelled 3 hours there and back by train (not easy for someone like me) and paid to stay in a hotel so we had lots of time to spend together. But, she left after just a few hours to see her girlfriend who she saw every weekend (different girlfriend to the one mentioned above by the way). This just feels like the nail in the coffin of our relationship – or at least it should be.

I’m angry, I’m upset, I’m hurt, I’m scared, I’m worried.

Yet, I still know that I’d do anything for her, even after all this. Because she is my mum. I just wish she felt the same way about me.

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The purpose of this post is mainly for me to vent about the stressful time me and my family have been through recently. It’s been a lot to process – I’m still processing it now.

But I also just wanted to illustrate how important it is to talk about our mental health. It’s important to find ways that help you deal with what is going on. I may not know you personally but even in my Mum’s case, after all this, she still has people in her life who care enough to listen and try to help her as best they can. So I’m sure others do as well!

They can’t always take away the pain, and they don’t always fully understand what you’re going through, but they can listen! (This is something I’m having to learn too as a result of this, my coping technique is normally denial!)

And if you don’t know who to turn to, I am always here. I am here to listen and help. I don’t always have the answers but I do always try my best.