New Year, New Me (Or Not)

This time last year I was writing about how I’ve been moving away from New Year’s resolutions and trying to just set goals and intentions instead. Looking back on these goals though I don’t think I managed to properly achieve any of them!

However, with the state this year has been I don’t think I can be too hard on myself about that, as none of us could have predicted the turn things have taken. I have worked on some things this year though that I am hoping to continue into the next 12 months. 

I still stand by my view that New Year’s resolutions are not a way to set yourself up for greatness – in fact they often set you up for failure. I also now think that setting goals for the year, and intentions, may not be the best way to go either. Goals are a great motivator, and I know they are a good thing, but the pressure to achieve them by a certain time point just adds stress that none of us need, especially right now. 

So here I am, deciding to carry on, taking each day at a time and working on the things that make me happy. 

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What I’ve learned in the last 12 months.

I am stronger than I think.

If you had told me a few years ago what was going to happen in 2020 I would never have believed that I would get through it. I’m sure many people feel the same – I didn’t know I had it in me to adapt to this new way of life and to mentally take on the challenges of living in a pandemic.

But, I’ve managed (with the help of CBT and medication) to end the year with a more positive outlook. I feel like whatever life may throw at me next I can take it on. I feel a bit like Wonder Woman to be honest, but on a lesser scale. I know the things I can do to help myself through the bad days, and I know how to make the good days even better. 

I can do more than I thought capable.

With my ME I have always felt quite limited by my body. The phrase ‘I can’t do that’ has come out of my mouth more than I care to admit. And while it is true that I have to accept the limitations of my body, even when it’s frustrating, I may have been imposing more boundaries than I needed.

The last couple of months I have been going for a walk three times a week, and just two days ago I walked my friends dog for three hours. I never thought it possible for me to get through a walk that long without being in severe pain but I managed it! I am fully aware that I may not be able to do things like that every day, or every week, but I am able to do them and that’s amazing to me.

I also went 5 months this year doing yoga every day, which is also an amazing achievement for me! I’ve actually just started a 30 day yoga journey to kick off the year, so we will

I’ve learned more about knitting, and have even started to put things together so I can sell them (watch this space). Knitting helps my mental health greatly, and being able to make new and interesting things has made me feel more productive. I’m currently knitting a snood, I’ve made hats and gloves, and I’ve learned so many new techniques that I never thought possible. 

I can’t wait to see what new discoveries await me this year. But even if things stay the same I will be pretty happy. I have worked on myself a lot, and I think I may finally have this whole life thing down. 

Not every day needs to be good.

I can’t count the times I’ve said ‘it’s okay to have bad days’ or ‘bad days are normal’ – and while I know that to be true I don’t think I quite believed it. 

I’ve always been notoriously hard on myself when I have a bad day – whether that be mental or physical. I get lost, my mood worsens, and by the end of the day I start to feel like there’s no point. It can be hard to know what to do with yourself when your very being just feels wrong, and you don’t know why. 

With the help of my second round of CBT this year I have found that I am now better equipped to deal with these days. I’ve learned to accept how I am feeling, to not dwell on it, and to find the things that bring me enough satisfaction to get me to the end of the day in one piece. Not every day needs to be a good day, bad days ARE a normal part of life, and I can get through them.

Taking medication does not make you a failure.

I’ve always had a bad relationship with medication. I’ve been on and off antidepressants since I was 18, and always felt when I had to turn to them again that I had failed. They made me feel like less of a person (even though I’ve never judged another person for taking them, isn’t the human mind bizarre?)

When my mental health took a turn last summer, I knew it would be a while before I could get to the top of any waiting lists for help. It had been a tough year for everyone so I knew there would be a long wait. My GP and I agreed that while I was waiting for a CBT slot to open that I should start taking them again to just give me a boost.

I definitely think it was the best decision, and I felt a change almost instantly. I don’t think it was just the effect they had on me, but the effect that choosing to take them and to actively try and help myself triggered something in me like flicking a switch. 

I was able to return to work full time almost straight away, I was getting less emotional about things and found I was enjoying doing things more. And I most definitely didn’t feel like a failure for it. 

New Year, Same Me

There’s a lot to be grateful for, for me personally, after the year from hell. And my only resolution going forward is to continue as I am. To continue writing, and knitting, and taking each day as it comes. 

Do you have any New Year’s Resolutions? What are you most looking forward to this year? Leave a comment below, I’d love to hear from you!

Here’s to a better 2021!

Until next time.

XO