Uncertainty and Anxiety - Philippa Claire

I thought that with everything that is happening in the world right now, I would have so much to talk about. I thought I’d be coming up with all kinds of new content and creative things for you guys to read and enjoy.

I’d hoped that I could use this platform to not only help you through this time, but to be a breath of fresh air to put your minds on other things. There is so much that I could’ve done with this time.

In all honesty I feel like I’ve failed you a little bit. I’ve been so tired, exhausted, just from daily life that I’ve not been able to consistently create new content. Not just this last week but this whole year.

So instead of pressuring myself to come up with something revolutionary, I just wanted to talk to you about how I’m actually feeling right now. That is, anxious.

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Anxiety in uncertainty

All I’ve felt for the last 9 days is an insane level of anxiety. It’s like I can’t focus on any one thing, because everything is distracting. I’m on edge, I’m jumpy, my chest feels heavy, my stomach constantly uneasy. Luckily I’ve not had any panic attacks but I’ve come close.

I’ve even done so much yoga to try and calm myself down that my body feels completely broken.

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I can’t even pin point why really, but I know it’s generally to do with the current pandemic we are facing.

I wasn’t really all that worried about the situation until the PM announced that people should start working from home if they can. Then when they identified who was high risk (and I realised I was in that group), it suddenly hit me like a tonne of bricks.

What would happen to my body if I did succumb to the virus? No one really knows. ME/CFS is already complicated, with a wide range of symptoms (symptoms that have become increasingly worse for me over the last few months). There’s no way to know what would happen, and the uncertainty of all that is downright terrifying.

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From then on I felt unsafe leaving my house, and I still had to continue going to work. Everyday.

I felt like I was putting my health in the hands of every other person I came near. In fact I didn’t want to go near anyone. All it would take is one of them to be a carrier. And my office is large, open plan. I didn’t stand a chance.

I work with many people who are also vulnerable, but even still I don’t want anyone to catch it. I’d rather none of us be ill, and none of us have the chance to pass it on to someone vulnerable.

I was sat at my desk every day trying to ignore the people around me, running around, talking to each other, relentlessly trying to sort out a way for us to work from home. But the energy in the whole office was one of pure tension and stress. And I took all that on board.

None of us know how long this is going to go on for. None of us know when life is going to go back to normal. And while I am now able to work from home, and have more control over my own health, that scares the sh*t out of me.

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On top of all that, there are so many people out there who still don’t see how serious this all is. And as someone who is classed as high risk that’s kind of hurt me a bit. I know this is the case for many of us, being made to feel like we don’t matter because people would rather go out and fool around with their friends than do what they can to protect the vulnerable.

It’s hard to watch people complain about being stuck inside when this is what my daily life is like anyway. It’s hard to hear people talk about how it wouldn’t matter if they caught it. It’s hard not to take on board the stress and worry that so many others are feeling. It’s just a hard time all round.

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That being said, I do know we will all get through this. There is light somewhere at the end of this tunnel. It’s just that not knowing how our when we will get there is making this journey a bit difficult.