I’m not grumpy. I’m mentally ill.

I’ve been thinking back through my past a lot recently. About past relationships and friendships. About my life in general.

Something that stood out to me is the memory of being miserable. That sounds quite sad, but so many moments come to mind where I was forced into a situation I didn’t want to be in, and I was just really unhappy.

This may be my social anxiety talking, but what struck me most was the way other people must have thought of me in those moments. They didn’t know what was going on in my head, all they saw was this grumpy, upset, moody person. The person who clearly didn’t want to be there.

I know I shouldn’t really care what other people think, and I’m not encouraging you to either. You do you, as they say.

But when it comes to mental illness I’m trying to break down the stigma, and the misconceptions that people with conditions such as depression and anxiety are lazy and grumpy people. We are normal people who are struggling daily with our own minds and bodies.

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I’m not grumpy

I remember one day my boyfriend (at the time) wanted to get a Chinese with me, but he needed to pick something up from a friends house on our way home. We didn’t pay for delivery because we were poor students and we lived close enough to collect it. Looking back I don’t really know why we didn’t drop the thing off first, and then get our takeaway…

Off we went to get the food, and then to our friends to pick up whatever it was (it was over four years ago now so my memory is hazy). But when we got there they invited us to stay and play games with them. No big deal right?

Being this shy, introverted, tired person, I expected him to realise I wouldn’t want to stay and eat my dinner there in front of them, and then play games when it was already getting late. He’s not a mind reader though, so of course he said yes.

I didn’t enjoy this experience at all. I was anxious about eating my Chinese in front of people I was not comfortable eating in front of, especially as I was embarrassed about how much I had ordered. I was exhausted from a long day. I also wasn’t prepared for a social thing that night, which for me is a big thing. I need time to plan and prepare myself for something like that.

What ensued was a night of me staring into space while they all played games, not knowing what to do or what to say and just generally feeling uncomfortable. From the outside I probably looked like I was in a really bad mood and that I didn’t want to spend time with these people.

To clarify, I really did like these friends, it had nothing to do with them.

Mental illness is hard.

What was actually happening was me struggling with my mental health, mainly my anxiety, in an impromptu situation that I was in no way prepared for. I was looking forward to eating junk in my pyjamas, and falling asleep watching a film. And that’s all I wanted to do.

I was sat there trying to argue with my own brain, to tell it that I could enjoy myself in that moment, that I didn’t have to be anxious. I was angry at myself for not having a good time, and for making the people around me feel bad. I was sad that I couldn’t just go to an unplanned social event and have a great time with no worries, just like everyone around me could.

I’m hoping that reading that list will give you some idea as to how people like me can come across as grumpy people, when we are actually struggling with a lot and really trying to have a good time.

Just a little more understanding.

I’m quite fortunate now in that not only is my other half a bit more aware of the things that I struggle with, but I’m also able to be much more open about my struggle with mental illness.

The friends around me understand when I’m feeling off or struggling that I’m not trying to be miserable or boring, or grumpy. I’m just fighting the anxiety.

I feel as though, with a little more understanding, we can stop labelling people with mental illnesses with these negative words, and start supporting them instead. We can lift each other up. We can help each other through. Because I know I can’t be the only person who worries about this side of it.

It does still get to me though.

I originally wrote this five years ago, when I was still really struggling with my mental health. On re-reading this to edit it I’ve realised that even though mentally I am now in a much better place, social anxiety it still a big problem in my life.

I often don’t look forward to social events, I am nervous about what is going to happen, what to wear, what to expect. I am not a good conversationalist, myalgic encephalomyeltis has robbed me of my ability to have a normal conversation, so there are always awkward pauses that I don’t know how to fill. I worry about that.

Even though I do have a great time when I go, all I remember afterwards is the weird things I’ve said, how I must have come across and how people must have thought I was strange. I am always surprised when I get another invite – I really shouldn’t at this point, but it is still a constant worry.

I manage it a lot better now, thankfully. But it’s not gone.

Do you think this has affected you in your life? If you suffer from a different illness to me, how has your experience differed? Feel free to comment below!

Thank you for reading. If you’re interested in more posts about mental health, you can find more here.