Lockdown Emotions: It’s okay not to be okay right now

The time we are in right now is strange. I feel like I’m in an alternate universe, where everything is reversed. Each day I sink further away from reality and my emotions just don’t know what to make of it.

Let me tell you about today.

Today when I logged onto my work PC I noticed I wasn’t connected to our network drive. Other people were having the same issue but were able to resolve it easily. My issue was not so simple.

I tried disconnecting and reconnecting. I tried restarting my computer, twice. I tried disconnecting and restarting my computer before reconnecting. Nothing worked.

If we were in the office I’d have my manager there, and our in-house IT guy to help. I’d have lots of people around for support. But today I didn’t.

Instead I had to call IT for help. I called one number, and they said I needed to call a different helpline to get the help I needed. That helpline wasn’t able to help me either (although he tried his best, bless him).

The final helpline seemed promising, but the call ended with a promise of a call from a local IT team who would better be able to help me. Spoiler alert, they never called.

By this point I had been on the phone for about 2 hours (their hold music was terrible), and I’d spent 4 hours not being able to do any work.

I had broken down in tears twice by lunchtime, all because I couldn’t get my computer to work. I think under normal circumstances I would’ve reacted differently, because while the situation was frustrating it’s definitely not the end of the world. But today it was.

We are living through a pretty stressful time, a time of heightened emotions. And I’m here to remind you it’s okay to feel those emotions. It’s okay not to be okay right now. We are going through something none of us have ever experienced before, and no one knows how to react.

I thought I’d take the time to talk about those emotions, in the hope it will help all of us understand what we are going through right now.

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Lockdown emotions: It’s okay not to be okay.

Stress and Anxiety

I’m not going to lie to you, I am stressed. Work is busy, I feel like I’m on my own, and I don’t know how to deal with what is happening.

I follow a lot of the mental health community on twitter, and I know it isn’t just me that is feeling this way. Many of us are stressed, and many of us are anxious. And that is understandable.

Anxiety feeds off the unknown. Anxiety is all about the future, intense worrying about what lies ahead. It causes you to imagine the worst case scenario and act as if that is definitely going to happen no matter how unlikely.

The uncertainty we are living through right now is the perfect breeding ground for anxiety. None of us know what is going to happen, or when this is going to end. There is so much to worry about.

If, like me, you are finding it hard to manage your anxiety through this time you are not alone. I’m right there with you, fighting the fight, weathering the storm. I know its hard, so please take any time you need to look after yourself.

Grief.

The only word I can find to describe what is really happening in all of us right now is grief.

Some of us are grieving in the traditional sense. And if that’s you I am so very sorry. If you’ve lost someone during this time, whether it’s due to the virus or not, then I my heart goes out to you. It’s painful and it’s heartbreaking.

Please take care of yourself.

Most of us, however, are grieving for our own lives. The lives we used to live. The lives we were supposed to be living right now.

There have been weddings postponed, birthday celebrations cancelled, family gatherings put off, holidays rearranged, sunny days missed. They may seem like trivial things in some cases, but they aren’t. They are part of your life, and it’s okay to be disappointed.

Its okay to grieve for these things. It’s okay to miss your friends and to miss going outside. It’s okay to want things to just go back to the way they were.

One day this time will be a distant memory. I can’t say for sure that things will go back to the way they were before, but things will be okay again and life will function normally again. Just hold on to that hope.

We are all going through this together. And together we will all get through this.

Sadness

Where there’s grief, there’s sadness.

If you’ve cried during this time that is okay. In fact it’s more than okay, it’s understandable. As I said, I cried twice this morning because I couldn’t get my computer to work, so it’s fully acceptable to cry right now.

The changes we have gone through this last month have been pretty monumental, and they’ve come on so quickly that we didn’t even have a chance to process them before they happened. We weren’t prepared. And it’s fine to be upset about that.

We never got to see our friends and family to say goodbye before we went into lockdown for a long period of time, and it’s okay to miss them.

There are so many things to be sad about right now, even if it just boils down to the fact that there’s no toilet paper in the stores.

Please just allow yourself to be sad if you need to, because unfortunately this isn’t going to go away just by being positive, and if there’s one thing Inside Out has taught us it is that there is nothing wrong with sadness!

I will say though, if this sadness does become all consuming, it is important to reach out if you can. Try to connect with someone and try not to isolate yourself (easier said than done in social isolation I know). As someone who has battled with their mental health from a young age I know how difficult this time has been, and I don’t want any of us to end up in a worse place after so much hard work.

If you ever need someone to talk to and don’t know where to turn, I am here for you. Just get in touch and I will do my best to be there for you.

Scared.

Its nearly impossible to avoid the news nowadays. It manages to creep into all areas of our lives.

We are being bombarded with the latest stats and figures, news of people dying and stories from people who have fallen to the virus. And honestly it sounds horrendous.

Last week I discovered someone I was once very close with has lost his battle with the virus. It was heartbreaking. He was a healthy 30 year old. How could this happen to someone like him?

In short, I’m petrified. I don’t want to catch it, and I don’t know what will happen to my body if I do get it. Being high risk, it really could mean anything.

I also don’t know what it would mean if ANYONE I love catches it. I’m scared for all of us.

Whether you’re high risk or not though it’s normal to be scared right now, and to want to do everything you can to protect your families.

Lonely.

A lot of us are isolated with partners or family, however many people are isolated on their own and that can be quite hard on your mind.

Even the most introverted introvert needs some kind of social stimulation throughout the day. We’re not islands, we are not meant to be alone.

For those of us isolating with other people it can still feel quite lonely. I may have my other half with me but there are many people that I miss. And working from home feels very lonely without the people I work with.

Luckily there are loads of ways now, with the help of technology, to connect with each other. There are apps for conference calling other people, and there are loads of things you can do with each other while you’re apart.

You can still play games and do quizzes, you can do group exercise, watch films, the Internet is your oyster! (I may have used that one already but its been a long month so I’m sure you can let me off).

Just try and find a way that you’re comfortable with to connect with other people and keep yourself going.

Bored.

I don’t know if this is actually an emotion, but it’s definitely a feeling. And it’s an easy one to feel right now.

Being stuck at home, all day everyday. Not being able to see family or friends. Not even being able to go out unless it’s for exercise or essential shopping. Let’s face it, it is boring.

Don’t feel bad if you’ve not been able to accomplish anything through this time, if you’ve not learned a new skill or refined an old one, found some form of self-improvement. This time is mainly about surviving and about keeping going.

It’s okay to be bored but also not fill this time with anything other that binge watching shows on Disney+ (although that in itself is an accomplishment, I’ve watched Winnie the Pooh at least 15 times already). We’ve just got to get through it anyway we can.

Make this lockdown work for you.

Vulnerable.

The way to sum up how I’m really feeling right now is vulnerable.

I feel wounded, broken, small. I feel lost. Every day is merging into one and I don’t really know what’s happening from one minute to the next.

I’m exhausted. My mind and my body just hurt. And I’m tired of feeling.

But I’m trying to keep doing the things I need to do to keep myself going, and I hope you are doing the same.

Whether you are feeling one of these emotions, all of them, or more, please remember that however you are feeling it is valid. But please also remember you’re not going through this alone.

We may not all be weathering the same level of the storm, some of us are going through hurricanes and others just light winds, but the storm is the same and we’re in this together.

If you feel like you need someone to talk to, I’ve recently set up a support page where you can voice your concerns, vent, talk, whatever you want, and I will listen. I don’t always have the answers but I am good at listening and understanding.

Stay safe out there everyone.