A Letter to my Anxiety

Dear Anxiety,

We’ve been together for at least thirteen years now. Wow that flew by quickly. 

It’s hard to believe that you’ve known me since I was a teenager, watched me grow, and have been with me through my whole adult life. 

It’s taken me a while to be able to write this letter to you, because I’ve been with you so long I don’t know how to be without you. But I think now may be the time for me to move on. 

You’ve given me some memories. I know you’ve only been trying to keep me safe but most of the time your idea of safe wasn’t realistic. You made me question everything that was around me until I was no longer able to think for myself.

I became petrified, and often chose to stay in with you on evenings and weekends, even unable to go to work. ‘Who knows what awaits you out there’, you’d tell me, enticing me back indoors where I was safe. 

I became overhwhelmed, unable to make a decision in case I made the wrong one. You’d hit me with constant ‘what ifs ‘ every day, at every turn. What if my decision was wrong? What would the consequences be for me and those around me? At times I really could have done without all those questions. 

I became isolated. It was me and you against the world, but no one else could be trusted. I didn’t know what anyone else was thinking, but I felt constantly judged and condemned. Those other people didn’t like me or understand me, like you. You knew the real me and knew that others wouldn’t like it. Or would they?

I became ill. Unable to fight against your will I got migraines, nausea, light headed, dizzy. I was unable to speak, think or move. I was trapped with you, and I couldn’t fight back when I needed to. 

But, I became strong. It hasn’t been easy, learning what is right and wrong, how to overcome the bad and embrace the good. I’ve now learned when you’re actually lying to me. I have struggled and come out the other side. 

Having you in my life hasn’t made me a weak person. It’s made me a stronger person than I could ever dream to be. And in some way I will always be grateful for that. I may never be entirely free of you, I know you’ll always be there.

Now though, it’s time for you to listen to me. Then maybe we’ll both get along much better. 

Thank you for all you’ve given me, but it’s time for the next chapter of my life. 

Philippa

XOXOX

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