It's ma birthday, it's ma birthday

I’mma spend my money.

Yes, today is the day. The day I turn 26.

When I was younger, I used to love my birthday. I would have a party every year as my main present from my mum (we didn’t have a lot of money, but my parties always rocked), and invite all my friends.

It was so much fun! I would love looking around the room and seeing all these people who took time out of their week to come and celebrate with me. It was the one day a year I felt like I mattered, the one day that reminded me I was important to people!

No time to read now? Pin it for later!

Why I am trying to like my birthday

sweet 16 — *16 year old me, loving life*

My last birthday party

The last proper party I had was my 18^th birthday.

We hired a room in a pub and I even had a theme – everyone was to wear red and black. I bought two cakes for everyone, lots of sweets, and my mum helped me decorate the place. It was going to be the best night of my life!

18th Cakes — *The cakes were pretty epic*

Even though half the people I invited didn’t come, I still had a good turnout.

My school friends were there, college friends, even work friends. It was awesome! In all honesty I don’t remember a massive amount of it now, it was so long ago, except the insane heels I wore and whatever photographs I had.

Happy 18th — *18 years old – no I couldn’t walk in those heels…*

When it was all over.

What I do remember was the end of the night?

The plan was to go out after the party for my first night out ever – I was very excited and nervous. But at the end of the night there were a few people a bit worse for wear, so I stayed behind to make sure everyone got home safe, as well as to help my mum tidy up the place.

By the time all that was sorted, everyone was either at home or already in the clubs. My older brother (props to him, he always looked after me) took me along the street where all the clubs were, but I didn’t know where anyone was. I text a few people, tried ringing them, but in all honesty, who actually checks their phone when they’re in a night club? This was before selfies really took off, when people weren’t on their phones all the time.

So, no one got my message. Most of my friends were already 18 so they knew the clubbing scene already, but with it being my first time I didn’t feel confident enough to go and search for them in places I didn’t know. I decided to go home.

It was disappointing

That does sound quite bleak, but that is my main memory of my last birthday party – what used to be the highlight of my year.

I did, very soon after that, go clubbing and I enjoyed myself (I was also wearing more sensible shoes!). I wasn’t mad at my friends – it wasn’t their fault. Heck, we were all drunk! It was just a bit disappointing that’s all.

*One week after my 18th, my first night out in Cardiff*

What is my birthday like now?

Now though, my birthday seems to be a reminder that since that day I haven’t really changed a lot. Its been 8 years since then and I haven’t really achieved anything. Back then I was full of dreams, and my life seemed full of possibilities. None of which I have managed to reach.

I worked my butt off to get through my degree, and I did do very well, I have to give myself some credit! But I haven’t been able to do anything with it, so it doesn’t exactly feel worth it.

Because of my CFS/ME I can’t work full time, in fact I’m struggling with just 15 hours so I can’t really even work part time. As a result, I have kind of been stuck working minimum wage jobs that haven’t got any career prospects – even if they did, I can’t work any more hours than I do so where am I going to go from here?

I kind of just feel like I’ve failed that hopeful 18-year-old girl who had so much potential and so many dreams.

17 year old me — *At 17 I seemed more interested in the floor than anything else.*

Each it has gotten easier to celebrate

I usually don’t tell anyone it is my birthday, so the fact that I’ve written about it and broadcast it publicly is a pretty big deal!

I guess, like anyone, I just don’t like getting older. I still feel uncomfortable receiving gifts, and I don’t like to acknowledge the day itself. Last year, though, my Dad was here (he lives in Hong Kong) and it was great to spend the day with him for a change! So, this year I am letting my other half take me out for food to celebrate. I am getting better!!